Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are more powerful than we can imagine.

Posts tagged ‘Life’

I don’t know what I’m talking about, version 2

I was asked today a question that made me think very long and hard by a work colleague.

We were eating and he said “if you were to go back in time nad talk to yourself, what would you tell them?” After thinking for a while, I finally answered “don’t worry about things”, things will work out. Don’t worry about who you’re with or whether things will go the way you want them too. But then another thought occured, one I didn’t anticipate. How do you not worry? How would I put into words a way to my younger self to not worry about what will happen? Then it struck me and is the reason I’m writing this now.

Maybe you’re not suppose to know.

It’s weird to think about but it’s informed me in this life and out of all the thngs we do, we don’t really know how to not worry. It’s just something we do and that led me on to think further. We have this thing where we want to keep track of everything and be in control, be conscious all the time. But we can’t, it can’t be done; like trying to describe how we close our hands, we just say “well, I just did it”. It’s like trying to drink the ocean with a fork and in a way, it’s beautiful to think about. The whole Universe had this continous rhythum that we’re not just a part of but are. We’re not separate from it so we can’t be different from it, and part and parcel is going with it.

Life is so strange, we do things and we do them because it has significance in our lives. We build bridges, help the enviroment and topple governments, but really we leave these marks that often do more harm than good. The Bridge rusts, our help destroys more than it helps and that government we toppled turns into a dictatorship. In a way it’s shown me that we’re likely to do harm as well as good and it’s likely we’ll do neither.

A lot of people aspire to say “I want to do this” or “I want to build this company” or “I want to make a million pounds” and they do or they don’t, but after that they leave such a heavy mark and aren’t satisfied anyway because it’s the journey that was satisfying them, so they become depressed and part and parcel of depression is believing the premise things are always going to go up like a continous graph and it doesn’t.

I used to think that the world was a place that was moving around me and I was observing it being moved, like it was some sort of a theatre and, unlike everyone else, I wouldn’t leave a mark. Now Ive figured that there’s nothing wrong with that, actually it’s significant. I’ve realised we hurt the Universe as much as we help it and are likely to do neither. Seeing the world move and observing it isn’t a bad thing, the greatest heroes make discoveries and solutions based on observations as well as doing; and the brilliant thing is when you see through everything and see how it’s a game, you can get lost in it again. I mean, people look at the temple and see through it all but when you do, what’s the harm in singing along and buying second hand souvenirs? You bring up the game and are a part of it and the only way to do that is to be really with it. Except, rather than striving for it you’re just doing it. There are no words to describe how with it you are.

So, if I were to ever tell anything to my former self I wouldn’t. However, if in the situation I would say “just keep going and focus on what you’re doing and keep doing it and when you do it, be with it without hesitation”.




I don’t know what I’m writing about

I think it was when I decided on what i was going to do, I tended to disregard other factors in life. I mean everyone does it, right? But like the title of this article, I don’t think anyone really knows what they’re writing about and I think most have been in a similar situation.

I remember when I was beginning my History Bachelors degree at Goldsmiths college that I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do: I wanted to be a history lecturer, a great like Plato or Alexander of Macedon and lead the world. There was a feeling of clarity and the assumption I knew everything. Like many people, I had a dream and a clear impetus of what I wanted to do. People around me would feel the same as well.

But moving on 4 years later, I am doing my masters and I have come to realize many things. The first is by far is that dreams don’t go the way they do, neither do aspirations. When you have a sense of clarity at a young age, you get a mild superiority complex with a facade there’s no ego but really the ego is huge. You think you can overcome what others can’t, but it puts you in disappointment when you can’t or when things change. Yes, when I began I thought I was going to be like those great people. But what you find is you can’t, no matter how much you try and there’s nothing wrong with that. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with failure: you will fail in life and it will hit hard. It will make things feel distressing at times and sometimes watching T.V. and eating something edible seems like the only solution. But dreams change and they always do. How many of us when we were young, if we pursued our dreams now, would want to be princesses or astronauts?

Neither is there winning. When I ended my bachelors, I had a specific vision: I was going to be in a minimalist one bedroom apartment, with nothing but my laptop, a job and be one with peace while stroking my beard. I also dreamed I would be in the same position, superior in a weird way to others. I don’t think anything could be further from the truth. I’m a young, clean cut,  male who’s got a part time job at a department store, doing my masters and still living with family and the crazy thing is I am unsure of what I want to do; and that’s not a bad thing either.

Just like many people, we follow dreams and aspire to be like people. But what if the dream is stupid? Many of us emulate and want to be the older people who runs the show, the one person who you wanted to be, you aspired to and you think being that person will define you as successful. But what you find as you branch out, your quirks and mannerisms pull you in a different direction. And that failure will make you the best person. It reinvents you. As you fail, whether or not you’re afraid, disappointment will come; the beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity and with clarity comes true conviction and originality (though don’t fail).

The most cliche thing to say is ‘follow your dream’, but I will tell you now your dream will change and that’s okay. More importantly if you do get your dream, you are not a winner.

And like the quirks and mannerism, there are inefficiencies.  I m not perfect in any way (whatever that is) and I’m not sure if I have understanding other people pinned down. It seems to me like a giant spiritual process and life is ‘that’ and I am linked with it: it feels like an open-world canvas that’s some-what blank but at the same time full. But those will help when I fail and redefine myself; just as a job or occupation or title doesn’t defy me.

I think when I was in Kenya when I was 16 and I had volunteered with colleagues to help children, I spend the duration of two weeks doing so. However, when I was in the bus going back to the airport, did the somewhat 2 weeks worth of effort seem trivial; the explanation of what I had done seemed unexplainable as I tried to explain my experiences to others in London. This resembles that what I am trying to explain (in the form of my past self), to people. But I knew if I were to tell myself what will happen, they probably would not believe me. Just like that, I am going to try and explain advice that seems almost impossible to you who will probably not listen to what I have to say anyway.

One thing I learned in the wide world is that you are not the most important person on the scene, everyone else is. If everyone else is, you will serve them. But the good news is you’re in the scene too so hopefully people will serve you. No one is winning: you’re following the follower, serving the servant. Life is an improvisation: you have no idea what’s going to happen next and you are just making things up as you go along. And like improv you cannot win at life, even if it may look like you are winning.  I am surrounded by talented people who I hope will serve me. But at my best I am serving them just as hard, and together we serve a common idea.

But if we should serve others, and together serve some common goal, what is the idea? and who are those people? In my experience you will only serve what you love because service is love made visible.

If you love  friends, you will serve your friends.

If you love community, you will serve your community.

If you love money, you will serve your money.

And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself and you will have only yourself.

So no more winning. Instead, try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

An open letter to the destroyers of dreams

When I was a young boy I had dreams; I had dreams, ideals and beliefs; beliefs which made me feel comfortable and certain. Now I do not dream anymore, now I realize that was we want has always been in front of us: That beauty, that very beauty which manifests itself so elegantly has given me the information to say and understand how the world works. As a man, my duty and honor has compelled to provide me with the most promising theme imaginable (out of obligation). I address you, destroyers of dreams, directly.

Please listen, as if you were sober and intelligent and not a drink sodden, sex addled, wreck. It takes a rare man to know the world but it takes a much rarer man to admit he does not know the world but understands it. It takes a man who is as rare to gain the persona that claims dreams before even coming of age. There are an unlimited spectrum of reasons why you would do it; perhaps out of insecurity, fear, jealousy, pretentiousness, arrogance or simply the dislike of a person for no apparent reason. Perhaps it was the stride to control them so you would feel comfortable yourself or that you could not stand a genuinely warm and good hearted person. To ruin the lives of others; to build barricades to not deem yourself vulnerable and erect barriers for others so they may do the same.  Either way, you assumed to level the person to yours because they raised themselves out of kindness; so they may not find themselves in your position. Even so, a God worshiper or not, race, gender or sexual preference, the world we inhabit is an act, an illusion, a system of pretend, a theatre production. I have seen this, witnessed it, let it pass for so long that the smallest minute spectrum of detail has been recognizable.

Through the pain, the sufferance, the pestilence, the degradation, this is witnessed and noted in all it’s detail. For what you do, whether you realize it or not, to mold a guardian into a monster or pervert will be unsuccessful and foolhardy; but then, a damsel’s role has always suited you best. By honor and duty, love, admiration and most importantly the unquenchable silence of life will this never perspire.

To destroy dreams, perhaps you should have not, for you make an enemy worse than death: the jester, the clown and the non-dreamer.

Yours sincerely (in the most superficial way possible).